Belle

  1. Recovery

    I can’t feel

    I try to cry and I try to feel. I can’t. I am so dissociated its rediculas. I can’t think. I had yet another math test today where I know that I understand exactly what is going on but yet all I could do is sit there and stare at it. I just fell so hopeless. I thought that for awhile that I’ve actually been having a good day. I thought that this is what life is going to turn into. Nope. I want my brain back! I exist through each and everyday and nothing more. I can’t feel anything. I hit a major trigger and I broke down crying instantly. I couldn’t even let this emotion go. To let it go through its paces to put it behind me. I stopped crying within two minutes. I just feel so numb. I can’t properly feel anything. I don’t know weather or not this is from the antidepressants or from my own brain. I just need this to stop!

  2. Recovery

    Today has been a damn well awesome day. Spent the morning hiking with my best friend and made a picnic table out of logs in the sun. I am sssooo tanned. Then went and hung out with a awesome friend/ co worker. She is really self aware and is the best to chat with. She said some things today that really made me think. She told me how she has finally made up with her mom. She had said she has been able to grow up and take it properly. It made me think about how I say it’s forever that I won’t speak to my parents. Then I realised that I just need time to grow up and deal with them properly. I have been able to relax and have fun lately. I have had such a good couple weeks. I am having such a positive change lately.

  3. Am I the only one out there who doesn’t give two shits about Mothers Day?

    Or any other “day” for that matter

  4. No brain, it is not okay to be awake at 545 am on sunday morning

    Nor will it ever be okay

  5. Cccccrrrrraaaaaaammmmmmpppppppppsssss

    Sssssssuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkkk
    Ooooooooowwwwwwwwww

  6. Recovery

    I’ve been so hyper lately. I’ve been extremely pulled away from reality. I went hiking yesterday and it felt great. I feel like every thing is getting worse in a way. I have so many decisions to make. My lack in ability to fully comprehend the future puts me at total failure before I realize something needs to change. Then I try but I can’t ever seem to keep anything up. I just want my mind back. I want to be able to enjoy math and find it easy. I want to be able to thing. To feel happy. I’ve never felt happy before. I’ve been robbed of all my abilities and i seriously want them back!

  7. I swear I don’t belong in high school anymore

    My biggest desire is just to stop going to school and wasting time and just work. School bores me, especially when I can’t think how to do anything. I have no motivation anymore. I would rather work all day and make money. I look around at all the people in my class and think how they’re so immature. They have long to go before they start to experience the many things I already have. School is such a waste of my time. It’s not like I’m going to do well anyways. My god damned brain won’t fucking let me in the first place. Fuck, fuck , fuck. I don’t know how to do this anymore.

  8. That moment when you get into bed after a 6 hour hike

  9. Can’t wait for diablo 3

    Yes I’m a chick and yes you read that right

  10. I just want love

    I just want to curl up in the arms of someone I trust. I just want the feeling of being desired. Of being wanted by someone. I just want to be loved. To fill this void where the emotional hole of love and appreciation is.

    Is that so hard to ask?

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